Christmas Invasion in Cardiff
by Darkfangz13
Summary: Set in Doctor Who ep Christmas Invasion. Torchwood PoV. Just a funny little fic because I think it's unfair that the ep makes Torchwood out to be a cruel and heartless organization without actually showing any of the characters.


Christmas Invasion in Cardiff

"Jack, I don't believe you." Ianto deadpanned, wedging his cell between his cheek and shoulder as he fumbled with a few complicated looking papers. Gwen raised her eyebrows curiously as she passed him.

_"Ianto," _Jack sounded sober enough. _"I'm dead serious."_

"Gunslinging, robotic, brass band Santas, and killer Christmas trees?" Ianto innocently reminded like the other man had forgotten what he was actually talking about. Now Gwen had to let out a snorting laugh.

There was a moment's silence on the other end. _"... Yeah."_

"You do know the irony of robots not actually having lungs, despite being in a brass band?" Ianto couldn't help but smirk.

_"Yes, Ianto, very amusing." _Jack retorted, sounding more than a little peeved.

Ianto bit back a sigh. "And you're sure you're not on anything? Poison, alien venom, hallucinogens, ...do you have a severe fever, Jack?" Gwen covered her mouth to muffle the giggles bubbling up from her throat at Ianto's perfectly professional stance on this strange situation.

_"You're the one with the magic mushrooms, Ianto. And I'm sure I'm perfectly stable right now." _Ianto could almost hear Jack rolling his eyes.

Ianto was silent for a moment. "Do you want me to come over to London and pick you up?" Jack's annoyed sigh was heard, even by Gwen. "What, Jack? I'm sure Earth has never seen the likes of these... things, before. I think you should just contact the coppers and have them arrested for disturbing the peace."

Gwen shook her head and chuckled as Jack grumbled something incoherently at the bemused archivist. "What, Jack, I didn't quite catch that." Ianto drifted off a few steps and now Gwen could only hear Ianto's end of the conversation. More irrate grumbles from the other end. "Oh, now you're saying the baubles on the Christmas trees are actually bombs... and they're being thrown at you." Gwen felt noises of mirth gathering at her throat again.

"Well what do you suppose _I_ can do about it?" Ianto asked finally. Then a look of surprise flashed across his face, followed quickly by apprehension. "You're sure about that, Jack? It's a big gun, you know. Pretty sure you have to have government clearance to use a big gun like that."

Gwen raised an eyebrow at him with clear interest glinting in her eye. Ianto merely waved her off in a motion that promised an explanation after he finished dealing with his childish boss. "Really? Harriet Jones, Prime Minister? Jack, you of all people should know that I know who she is... she's the Prime Minister. I _think_ it's common knowledge, should be, or God help the world." Ianto leaned over to a computer and began typing away furiously.

"Okay, guns should be firing up in T-minus ten." Ianto straighened himself up. "Now, can I know what exactly you're going to be shooting at? Because if this is aimed anywhere near Earth..." he let the threat hang.

"Oh, Sycorax? The aliens that we all saw on live broadcast?" Now Gwen was nearly jumping up and down to get Ianto's attention, desperate for an explanation. "Blood type? We don't happen to have anybody with that particular blood type, sorry. Why do you ask?" Ianto then rolled his eyes at something Jack said. "'Stay in the Hub'? Beautiful day like this, Jack, where would we go?" he asked sarcastically.

A few grunts and a few nods later and Ianto seemed ready to finish the conversation. "Well, if it will help you relieve some tension, shoot away, I guess..." Ianto sighed at his boss. "Typical alpha-male behavioral... Anyway, have fun with that." And he hung up.

"Well? What was that all about?" The Welsh woman demanded, darting to his side.

Ianto looked thoughtful for a moment, wondering what he should tell her and what parts were best left out. "Well, Jack's fine, if a bit upset. His date at the bar was disrupted by a Santa brass band which turned out to be robots with automatic rifles." Gwen's eyes widened. "That's not all, the robotic, brass band Santas-who-don't-actually-have-lungs, have remote-controlled killer Christmas trees with exploding baubles which they threw at Jack." Gwen was very aware of how her mouth was hanging open. "But the best is yet to come. Jack is currently channeling his annoyance to shooting at alien spaceships with a gun that could easily scoop out half of Earth with one shot."

Ianto nodded casually at Gwen at the end of his narration and trotted off. "Oh, look, it's snowing."

The End


End file.
